thurs/fri /sat TOP TOYDOG AFFENPINSCHER SUPER CHALLENGE

Dog Nuts 3oz not until 3 am- a nr death experience- Weight 2 oz over Affenpinscher Standard Height 2 '' below Affenpinscher standard
Last 3 days gone by in a haze.. Big Affenpinscher Club speciality Match for la Creeeeme de la Creme CC winning dogs several breeds several Affenpinschers in Coventry on Sat, hence no entries in diary- Our Human in A flurry of last-minute Grooming [us, not her, she adopted usual hasty haystack look -more shabby than chic- & not helped by much lugging of dog boxes around in lifts.]
'Posh hotel'- big rather than true posh,- set next to iconic postmodernist cathedral adjoining original thirteenth century columns & spire- v handy for Azi & Morpheus to cock their legs.
Lot of big self mportant looking men in suits. [Members of usual rowdy Top Judging lot..] One lined us up in 2s, trotted us up & down, & each time chose one -amidst much applause. Poor Avantgarde Buffy the Vampire Slayer was up against the top winning Griffon & knocked out first go, whereupon she bit Avantgarde Morpheus very hard from pure jealousy because he went through to round 2, beating a well known Affen. Then we all got knocked out, along with all the other Affens, [the Affen club being hosts youd think at least an Affen would have had the decency to have won the thing...]
Poor Big Azi had to sit in his big azi box with just the odd gallop round the cathedral now & then to cheer him up, & bursting a few balloons. 'Cest Anti Beeg Doggisme -whai cant ai 'ave a go een zee Match? ' he grumbles. They wouldnt even let him enter the dogs-made-out-of-ballooons competition, even though he was the only exhibit able to stand up unaided...
Mystefyingly, Pug lady's Cleavage did not have usual effect on judge, lot of jokes of the 'Brief Encounter' sort floating around as evening wore on- Us dogs soon realised humans v different from Canines in some respects. Lack of proper sense of smell seems to make it difficult for them to tell male humans from female ones [never a problem to a dog]. Proof being Signs on Lavatories to help them tell difference with pictures, -little trousers & little skirts, - Reactions very puzzling- females with trousers always went in skirt door, I especially wondered 'hy did the man in the fetching Tartan Skirt go in the Trouser door? Suspect Humans more stupid than they let on...
Then all humans had Big Dinner while we dogs had to watch, Torture, Then they all got dazed & confused & had 2nd competition, judging unusually well endowed dogs made of balloons, before much loud musuc & retro-dancing, -the Twist Locomotion etc. Left just before turning into Pumpkins at midnight, home 3 am...Barely survived til food dished up, at 4 am...

Wednesday Exercise has stimulated the Appetite..

Dog nuts the usual, Choc bikkies, I large packet. Indian take-away dinners 1 Wt 3 lbs over Af Std Ht 2'' below A St

The treadmill has impelled me to hunter-gather a full pck of choccie bix now I feel very queasy calories in outstrip calories out by an even bigger margin than usual...

tuesday exercise regime shock horror

diet dog food 1 oz choc wizards 1 wt 4 lb over A S ht 2 ;; below A S

Our Human has had weighing machines preying on her mind for some time. Today after much soul-searching she suddenly announced that Yes, she admits she may be a fraction overweight & that I am ''grossly fat'' The Cheek! Poor Azi is ''Too Thin'' but needs More Exercise to Stimulate his Appetite. In fact she claims we all need exercise, even Fothers is too much of a Bookworm & should be out in the Fresh Air... So she has sent off from E Bay for an Exercise Machine... She says it is positively immoral making your dogs trot on a treadmill while you couch-potato it youself by the telly with a box of chox, oh no... So she has got a heavy duty reinforced industrial grade exercise machine we can all get on at once....[ The couch-potatoing would have siuited me fine but she would have none of it..

Monday - resumed tunneling

photo potting shed

same boring old nuts half a sausage
too fat too short-
wheres the justice in life?
I am now tunnelling between the potting shed & next doors pantry, as a joint foraging tunnel & escape route for Fothers in case the powers that be track him down... My Human thinks there are moles, as the spoil is all over the lawn in little hillocks. Azi wont help, he says he is too big & will be caught, so he's standing guard. Fothers is yawning over his History homework-- 'Royal Hounds of Transylvania'-- 'guy fawkes had a point' he yaps.
We are wondering if to go to Transylvania to help find his Mummy, but we will wait for news first-- if she locates hid dad she will presumably first try & smuggle him out of Transylvania rolled up in a persian rug..
Meanwhile, sustenance is my main concern...

sunday -still Guy Fawkes...

Picture is card sent to Auntie Jezebel when she won best of breed at Crufts, seems she struggled with her weight too...
dog nuts 3 oz burghers & hot dogs 3 lb wt 3 lb above A S ht 2 '' below A S

Still under simulated ariel attack-- Guy Fawkes must have been a few bricks short of a load to try to blow anything up this time of year. No wonder he was burned in effigy..

saturday Guy Fawkes night it's freezing -why didnt he blow up Parliament in summer -so inconsiderate..

same old nuts too heavy not tall enough woe,,,,


photo is illuminated affenpinscher on bonfire night-
It is like the Blitz here,-Wheeeee pop bang fizz -all around us- Azi couldnt care less & is off down the park fireworks display foraging for dropped burghers & hotdogs -though he wont ever admit to eating junk food-- ''Nous Chiens Francais ne mange pas jamais le Junkfood. But I will Brrring you a leetle something Brigitta, nevairrre fear.''
I am lying in my tunnel [unexpectedly useful as an air raid shelter,] paws over ears & wearing a protective steel dogbowl on my head, while cub Feathery Fovvers recklessly has paws on the potting shed window ledge peeping out bouncing up & down in delight as the big fireworks go off '' Wwwhhheeee! OOOOOOOHHHH! WOW! Eeek, looka dat! --'he yips.
Just then our Human comes out to call me in for my measly portion of dog nuts,- trying to get in the spirit of things she is waving a sparkler. Suddenly she spots him.. 'OOOhhh what a sweet little puppy' She is enchanted, ''Coochy Coo little pup pup -- are you a poor lost little stray?''-

if he plays his cards right he should be ok...

friday Dustbin Day again..

dog nuts- 2 oz, fish heads out of bin 6oz wt over A S 4 oz too much ht under A S 2'' -too little -
Azi is giving the little werewolf cub the 3rd degree again-- ''What eez yourrr name? & wherrre arrre yourrrr family?'' ''Mummy always calls me Feathers or Fluffy, - short for Fotheringay, -dat's daddy's name too- I don 'ave no family, all lost when we fled from Transylvania to escape the Revolution. Mummy's Christabel Lady La Duchesse- Comptessa del Malificorum, -Chrissie to 'er pals, 'n we live in Chelsea-nuffink graand, our den's just a little bijou arch in the Embankment. Mummy flogs motheaten ole Persian rugs dahn Portobello market..thats when she aint bein a wolf,... but we eats ok, even if we aint got no dosh,'n if ya call these 'ere good dustbins, you should just wait 'n see the ones dahn Park Lane-- But Mummy's gon away onna Quest huntin fer ahr missin Daddy, soon's she got me inna 'good school--' Good, Schmuud, even Dog Borstal's a soft option compared to Dogwartz.. an now whattami goin ter doo? Aaaarrrroooogh..

thursday INTERROGATION TIME

dog nuts not enough other food not enough wt 2 oz over Affen St ht 2'' below Aff std
''Maintenment, petit chien de Loupe'' [Azi means Werewolf]'' Wherrre eez your Mummy, eet eez vairrrry naice to see you, mais by now shee vill be worrrrrying, so eet ees taime for you to go 'ome...''
''Boo Hoo, AAARRROOOOOGHHHHH, snivel,-- dunno where my Mummy iz, wanta finda, 'm a Scholarship Pup at DOGWARTZ SCHOOL FOR THE PUPS OF GENTLEFOLK - yew kno, 'n I 'ates it... Dem snooty Borzois- lookin dahn deh noses at me alla time...an donlike der funny way Mr Nortidag the Maths Master is allaways sniffin at us litluns , my mummy warn me abaht innapropriate sniffin, maybe eez a puppophile... So I runnaway...annI Waaaant my Mummy...boo hoo AAArrrooooggghhhhh...

Azi is by now cross -eyed, trying very hard not to look down his nose at the little fluffy wailing cub...

wednesday-waif & stray

PHOTO, ancient magic stone in the woods near us- where the witches do their Halloween ceremonies
dog nuts 1 0z other Food 0, wt above Affen Std s
ht 2 ''below Affen Std 2''

HAlloween was a breeze, yeah, know what I mean? Revellers in little groups all passed us by in our hiding place in the potting shed. went to our house & human gave them monster sweets, then they went away. I dont think she poisoned the sweets...The baby werewolf cub sucked his paw & fell asleep after a feed of sickly chocolate mini-monsters, we offered him a bit of rare steak & he turned up his nose at it- 'Mummy's always tryna make me eat it, but 'm a Vegetarian...' he squeaked. Azi & I exchange mystfied glances.

tuesday- Halloween Horror ''NEVAIRE-MORE''

dog nuts 3 oz
choc wizards sugar spiders jelly snakes 2 lbs wt 0 lbs above af st [very violently sick] ht 2 '' below af st

Sorry, Exciting Halloween News will have to wait until tomorrow, as I am lying down feeling very peculiar & recovering from a surfeit of halloween sweets etc-- as full of hope I attempted the Guiness book of Records 'Eat your Own Weight in Halloween Sweets' Challenge ...but failed miserably,
'' Nevaire mind, you cant eat'enm all, C'est la vie'' says Azi