monday Invasion of the werewolves!

sketch by delilah
dog nuts- 3 oz coctail sausages cheeze straws, salami, 1lb wt over A S 1 lb Ht below A S 2ins.

Halloween looms like a half-rotten pumpkin in the sky..... ''All zis stupide fuss wiz ze pumpkins an even ze dustbins aire full of zis 'orrible 'alloween junk-food aftairewards, 'Ow could they ruine a good dustbin wiz such rubbish ?'
Big Azi is doleful. the Big Day is tomorrow-
'Alrrraidy I am prepairing my 'iding place, 'ow about you, ma petite?'' Azi has gathered his favourite toys, his best squeaky rainbow coloured furry ball & a charnel house of old bones in the potting shed, Me, I travel light & will carry out a Guerrilla raid for Sustenance when we are safely hidden from the endless procession of Green Glow-in-the-Dark Goo dripping, Spiders web festooned & blood covered Wailing Ghouls & Ghosties soon due to arrive & demand Chocolate Wizards and Jelly Scorpions with Menaces..

On recconaissance to the Potting Shed Azi freezes, 'What ees zat Smell- eet eez laike a Wolf!!? -& ai can 'eer somezing saying 'EEK'' in ze potting compost bin!''
We tiptoe in, Azi Brave as a Lion, me Cowardly as a Catterpillar.

'OOOhhhh- pleease dont tell!' squeaks a little voice, 'Dont let them Ghosties get me!'
''Er, Who Aire you, Exactement?'' interrogates Azi sternly.
'm only a little Werewolf puppy, 've lost my Mummy, 'n I'm Fwitened of de Nasty Vampires 'n Ghouls, nevva seen sucha lotof 'em all in one go'' A fluffy little gray furry ball with a foxy face peeps out through lime-green eyes then cowers down fearfully in some Flower Arrangement moss.'

'Merde'' mutters Azi ''EEts a Real Werewolf cub, an ee iz only un Bebe, we will ave to 'ide 'im with us til the Fake Ones ave all gone away'
' Fanks Mister' whines the puppy,' 'n You wouldnt av a Chocolate Wizard or a Jellied Scorpion on you I s'pose?'

Sunday Trick or Eat Time

Azi has his eye on this roast...

dog nuts, as usual, plus toffee apple, sugar spiders web, candy floss wizards beard, Groogh...
wt 0 lbs above A. S. [been violently sick] Ht 1in below A S [stretching]

Azi says 'ze trick , ma petite, ees to create ze divairsion-- zen while ze humans are divairted, voila, rrrrush een & grrrrab ze rrrrroast...''
I am to create the diversion... Azi will do the 'rushing in' manouver...

Whining piteously I limp tragically across the carpet & fall down in huddled heap dead centre.. Human takes eyes off cooking, examines limp -- 'Hypochondria again?' she giggles unsympathetically-- 'Practicing ready for the guests?' But Azi has seen his chance & he is off, with the roast clenched in his teeth

'OOOOOEEEERRRRRRRROOOOOOWWWWWLLLLL' he wails, Sacre Nom de Dieu zat eez 'ot! dropping the roast on the doormat & panting his way to the water bowl. Human bursts in, trips & falls flat over roast, sprawls on persian rug bellowing 'Naughty Boy!' Azi is taken out to the gazebo in Disgrace, much glaring at me by Human-- but phew, she cant actually pin anything on me... Roast is given perfunctory wipe & is back in dish just in time for doorbell announcing arrival of first guest...

Big Azi soon stops his howling when I start pushing the cheese straws & sausages on sticks undeer the Gazebo door... the ones that are left.. that is.. ''Merci Beaucoup, Brigitta, yyou save ma life from ze stairvation -an now, you remembaire Where I told you zat Salami Saucisson Sec eez hanging up een ze pantry?'

Saturday -Show Time- A Long Day

dog nuts 0
bits of cheese 1 measly

wt + 1lb
ht - 2 ins
photogragh- SWEDISH CHAMPION AVANTGARDE LYCESTRATA

Lots of brushing & snipping around feet & ears last thing at night, then woken in middle of night by muttering haggard Human to drive to somewhere N. of Birmingham-

Lot of Big Bouncy dogs there -usually I am frightened - esp. when their Humans dont watch what they are doing & say 'OOHH he wouldnt hurt a Fly' as towering mutt bounds forwards on long loose lead, jaws akimbo-- & some would just love to bounce all over us Affenpinschers,- if they are quick enough they will even bite us. But with Big Azi around they show Respect. Big Azi learned as a puppy that bouncing on other dogs was Verboten, but he only has to look at them & suddenly they become Medium sized with averted eyes & remember a previous appointment...
Judge only gave Mae a 5th place & nothing at all for the rest of us, - although Avantgarde Buffy the Vampire Slayer [Buffy] was looking very nice on the day, hers was a big stiff class- oh well, thats the way it goes sometimes. But Judge did look at all the dogs properly, on the table & on the floor, & not just walk on by to the most recent Big Winners pictured in Dog Planet, also politely told exhibitors where she wanted them to walk, -not like arrogant judges who snap fingers & jerk thumb towards corner so novice could mistake for rude gesture & leave ring. It is so difficult for Humans Hard of Hearing to show dogs if Judge does not give clear directions as they end up going wrong way, looking stupid & then lose all credibility.
Not home til evening as Human was falling asleep on M5 & had to stop for coffee & walk round a big Garden Centre, came out like Sir Lancelot brandishing huge spear-like wrought iron Bird Feeding spike...

What about DOG FEEDING, thats what I want to know?!

friday- all work & no play makes Brigitta a dull dog

[Photo is old family portrait from the 60's ]

diet D F same old nuts
No extra food--
weight over A S too much Ht under A S not enough O woe is me...

Run up to Guy Fawkes & Trick or Treat Time-- Sounds of distant artillary with technicolour bangs & flashes disturb the peace of the village whilst Vampires & Werewolves are constantly banging on the door dripping with blood & cobwebs, demanding goodies- we dogs are on full red alert- Azi barks first in scary deep voice then ancient doddering auntie & uncle affenpinschers wake from naps & chime in falsetto --every 5 minutes or so... I am lying in my tunnel with my paws over my ears -Roll On Christmas- dustbins fit for the Gods.

Thursday- Survival of the Fattest

Diet dog food 3 oz birdseed 2 oz, wt above Affen Standard 1 lb Hy below Affen standars 2 ''This Preraphaelite picture of little Bambi in the twilight looks like he could do with a big feed of sausages. -A Hungry Dog is a Haunted Dog- Personally I feel under effects of dogmatic reduced calorie diet I am in great danger of turning into a Poltergeist. 'What eez that'' sez Azi-- 'It knocks down dishes makes things fly through the air & makes wierd noises in the night' I explain. 'You do not need to turn into one, ma petite, you ave been one evairre since I firrst met you, Bridgitta'
Huh! Is he teasing? Or does he know something I dont... There are advantages to being a poltergeist, mind... Levitation of sausages, for one...

Wednesday- shrubbery blues

dog diet food 3 oz, chocolate 30 gm wt 2 lb above Affen Standard, Ht "'' below Affen Standard

Tired of digging. fell asleep on pile of soil, woke up in pouring rain. Begining to Lose Hope. What about the Geneva Convention? Do they bring sausages...

tuesday even azi was little once

diet dog food 3 oz trifle 2 lbs
Weight over Affen pinscher standard not available scales broken again...
height below Affen standard 3 ins, -cringe..

Out of Solitary in Gazebo at last, recconnoitering tunnel site, Operation ''Sausages'' ready to roll...

some unconsidered trifles

Monday I'ts Pudding time - I Spring into Action

Dog diet food 3 oz Assorted puddings 3lbs Wt above Affen pinscher Standard 3 lb 6 oz, Height below Affen pinscher standard 2ins

Barbecue on the lawn yesterday, I managed a flying leap onto the table landing in the trifle & then bounding alternately from each different Big Pudding dish onto each guest's knee, grabbing a mouthful every bound-- Major Funny Turn by my Human, who has put me in solitary confinement in the Gazebo... gets more like a concentration camp here every day-- it'll be revues next...Az pushed some chocolate under the door- 'Ma Brrrrigitte, she must nevairrre go ungrrrrry' Now thats what I like to hear...

eternal triangle

Sunday-- Attack! by a Homicidal Maniac...

Diet dog food 3 oz, Horse Manure, 7 oz
Weight obove Affenpinscher Standars 2 lbs. Height below Affenpinscher Standard 2 ins

My Human took us for usual ramble round village, & for 3rd time in last few months big slavering black dog burst out of his garden & attacked us. Only difference this time instead of usual near-murder of me, the fool went for Az, rearing up on his back legs & trying to bite Azi on the shoulder, foaming at mouth with angst,--clearly a Nutter with a Death Wish......

Azi, towering over the Lunatic, was too astonished to retaliate, then our Human recovered from shock & made Az stand still & told him not to bite, while she bellowed unladylike & forbidden words & Crazy Dog's Human rushed out & dragged him away-- Then they had a sort of symbolic fight, only just using words, until finally Crazy's Human, a dour man, walked off muttering-- & it wasnt 'I'm so sorry' either... we did rest of our walk in tense brooding silence then on way back my Human had another big symbolic fight. this time with Wife of Crazy Dog's Human.
Wife believed in blaming the victim & claimed was All Our Own Fault -poor Cholmondley had been 'driven to defend himself' as we had barked at him on previous occasions. 'Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap,Yap Yap.'she concluded. Hands on hips, elbows akimbo, they squared up, then, waving her arms my Human loudly enunciated 'No, its Wuff, Wuff, Wuff, Wuff, Wuff, Wuff, Wuff,- they never got a chance to bark..... Azi does Dog Training, not running out & biting people, how about yours?' Wife-''Oh isnt that so Nice for you '' in saccharine tones through teeth bared in hideous grimace fondly imagined to be a smile- & flounced off. Humans, eh?

If Big Azi had allowed himself to be dragged into this Insane Vendetta, teams of surgeons would have been fighting for Crazy Dog's life...& Azi would have been in Big Trouble- Humans'd never believe he didnt start it...

''Just let heem lay a fingaire on you, next time, my prrrrecious Marrrrriette, he will nevairrre live to tell the tail..' Thanks but No Thanks, Azi... just eyeball himhim, eh?

SATURDAY -Theres more to life than food & eating,,,

Diet Dog food 3 oz Stilton half a pound

Weight 4 lbs over Affenpinscher Standard, Height 2 '' below Affenpinscher Standard

Blowed if I can think of anything else bar food, mind, but thats what they say...Azi never eats all his dinner up, he is so uninterested in food himself he leaves half of it behind in the bowl & he is fed where I cant get at it, -more torment...
Show isnt until next weekend it seems, so merciless lack of food regime continues. If it wasnt for Azi starvation would have struck me down long ago. Today he leaned across the kitchen table & pushed off a big lump of stilton into my waiting jaws, ''Say cheeeezzzze, Brrrrigitta!'' He knows how to bring a smile to my face...''RRRRRoll on Chrismas'' he rumbles, ''Dustbins fit for kings''

my Human has been covering the ceiling with white paint on & off all week. Well, more off than on, she needs reviving snacks every 5 minutes or so & stops all the time to read the paper, mess with the computer etc etc but Azi is bored & whacks his bone on the floor noisily every 5 mins just to remind her he's here.

Friday is Dusbin Day

Diet dog food 2 oz sausages 2 lbs

Big Azi as good as his word sausages in perfect condition, given me new strength to dig tunnel- Azi says tunnel beneath his dignity,- well he would, wouldnt he? seemingly dustbins are ok though...

Big Azi

Thursday A GUARDIAN ANGEL I forgot to mention the pyrenean mountain dog...

Diet dog food 3 oz, huntergathered food zero [ but soon- the pantry next door...] Weight 1 lb above affenpinscher Standard, Height 2'' below affenpinscher statdard

Its like looking at the Alps on holiday, or perhaps the Pyrenees, the excitement of a few romantic sunsets & then after a while you just cease to notice them, thats how I forgot to mention Azi
Now he's cross with me...''Zut Alorrrrs ma petite Bridgitta, 'ow could you forrrrget moi? moi who eez always rrready to geev up 'ees life to save you , evurry day ...evurry night...'he growls in his deep voice.
Why does he have to turn everything into such a drama? Just because he outweighs 15 affenpinschers he thinks he should get 15 times the attention...Azi is always on guard, if a pin drops at the end of the lane Azi will warn us.
While I dig my escape tunnel he stands guard with such a concientious air that my Human is convinced there must be a Flashing Stalker somewhere out there in the Shrubbery. But I havent seen any lights going on & off in the bushes.... Now she is always out there pruning the roses with an expectant air & I can scarcely get any digging done at all...
''Nevaire mind, ma petite, tomorrrrow eet ees dustbin day, alrrrready ze scent of zee sausages in zee dustbin ovairrrre ze lane, eet drrrrives me Wild... even eef ai ave to lay down mai life, I will brrring you one of zose sausages, Bridgitta..

Azi knows the way to a girl's heart, for sure. How about two, or three.. even...

AVANTGARDE MORPHEUS a friend

WEDNESDAY --YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER...BUY YOU CANT DRAG IT AWAY AGAIN SO EASY...

Diet dog food 0 gms Additional food 0 gms [weak with starvation]

Wt 0 lbs over Affenpinscher Standard [3rd pair of scales] Height half inch below Affenpinscher Standard [on tiptoe]

An Army Marches on its Stomach...likewise an Affenpinscher....

My Human frantically busy trying to tidy me up for weekend show, she only has time to do up one of us, so guess who's going looking like a haystack...Consoles herself optimistically ''Judge will never notice what I look like'' ''he'll be too busy looking at the dog end of the lead... '' How trustingly naieve -- looks to me like Smartly Dressed & Groomed Human or Forget It ...& Never Mind the Dog--& has she never heard of Cleavage & Miniskirt judges, not to mention ones that barely look at the lady exhibitors at all...& thats just the male judges!! You should just wait & see the female ones.....
No food at all Today!!! Human says I'm so fat must show tomorrow on empty stomach... Just wait, I''ll Show her...

Brigittes nephew & neice

TUESDAY--Escape Committee

Diet Dog Food 3 oz [ugh] Additional Worms 1oz [yum yum- but very slippery]

Wt 3lb over Affenpinscher Standard. Height 3'' below Affenpinscher Standard [Crouching Tiger stance]

Dogged by Misfortune..

Colditz Excavations proceeding according to plan in Shrubbery. Cat next door looking apprehensive. Big heap of soil hidden behind hydrangeas, & to disguise muddy paws rubbed nose in earth so Human will think so hungry reduced to eating soil like earthworm...
Human busy trying on new cream lace skirt, completely failed to notice starvation ruse, instead when leaped on her knee to greet screamed & had Major Funny Turn, repeating Near-Drowning experience. followed by session of Medieval Torture with device for blowing hot air which she normally uses on her head as self inflicted punishment in advance before going out on town in the evenings. Human neglected me whole evening & instead wandered about muttering & fussing about with lace skirt & wet cloths, Fear she is Not Herself...

MONDAY -Fat is a Bichinist Issue...

Diet Dog food [ugh] 3oz Additional food None--[hooooowl]

Weight 3 lb 8 & three quarters ounces over Affenpinscher Standard Height 2'' below Affenpinscher Standard

Fat, Huh? Me? Get real, Human!

These endless glamour photos of leggy Models in Dog Planet all look like skeletons to me, very dangerous, dogs missing a meal... -might easily prove fatal... My Human has taken to hiding all the food in kitchen high up, &, despite mournful chewing of bit of wood at her feet all day, did not relent- it is worse than Prison. Started digging Colditz tunnel in shrubbery - exit to come up by cat flap to next door's pantry.
New scales arrived --similar shaking, Human getting on & off, putting me on & off followed by mystefied incredulous looks, & lot of banging about in kitchen, scales repacked for Return to Sender with rude note concerning penalties for selling defective merchandise...

looking for manna from heaven...

SUNDAY -Size Shouldnt Matter...

Diet Dog food 3 oz, --plus 'Wizdom of the Wild Wolf' self-selected supplementary free choice pick & mix -consisting of the Vicar's missing Fairy cake, stale cheese sandwich dropped by builder, new Mks & Spencers Melton Mowbray pork pie, [found in shopping bag-- silly place to leave a pork pie...] total 9oz

Weight 3lbs 9 oz over Affenpinscher Standard. Height 2''below Affenpinscher Standard.

I ask you, Who would be a Dog in these Troubled Times?..

My Human's Funny Turn today consisted of erratic behaviour after weighing me, ie shaking weighing scales, repeatedly looking at them with disbelief, then getting on scales herself, followed by more shaking with banging about too this time, harder looks of disbelief, - lot of walking up & down muttering -followed by final theatrical throwing of scales in dustbin, My Human then spent hours on E bay chosing new wieghing scales, --crassly ignoring my frantic nudging & wagging Behaviour Reinforcement every time she accidentally strayed onto Dog Treat pages...Must work harder on my Human Training skills...day not a total wash out though as gave me a big piece of one of the danish pastrys she has taken to hiding in the Diet Dog food tin...

SATURDAY entry 1 Avantgarde Bridgitta Jones's Diary - a shock-horror expose of the appalling conditions we Affenpinschers are forced to live under

Diet Dog food 3 oz Units of Stolen food 6oz
Weight 3 lbs over Affenpinscher Standard
Height 2'' below Affenpinscher Standard

Its Hell being a Bitch!

Aromatherapy Relaxation session surrounded by delightful bouquet of well ground in fox droppings utterly ruined by my Human suddenly attempting to drown me in horrible chemical smelling water. It is sad, she needs to see a Behaviourist as she seems to be having these Funny Turns more & more often.